M Y S T O R Y
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N E X T
H O M E
A Strained and Unhealthy Marriage
My marriage was also very strained to say the least. My wife felt extremely bitter. She was an accounting manager, a job that was very stressful but well paying. She couldn't quit her job because I did not earn enough for us to live on. What really made her bitter was our inability to have biological children. We had been trying to start a family for almost a decade but with no hope in site. Everyone around her soon began to have children and the one thing she wanted in life seemed so distant, she felt like God was playing a cruel joke on her.
We were living through this situation for not a couple years but almost a decade- feeling trapped and hopeless which created a real strain on our marriage and made me feel like a complete failure in my life. As a man, and not being able to provide for my family or myself was a very humbling experience. It was so frustrating for my wife because she saw so many wonderful abilities and talents in me but it seemed like I was never rewarded financially for my hard and relentless work. I had been self employed for more than 12 years at this point, a mixed bag of failures and successes but nothing to hang a living on.
Furthermore, I wanted to be the spiritual leader in my family and to help her grow in her relationship with God but conversely my wife started to become increasingly bitter at God, to the point where she couldn't even pray. I felt I was failing her and I was failing God by not fulfilling part of my purpose in life as a leader. I thought I was destroying my wife's relationship with God.
All these apparent failures; not being creative at my job, not being financially compensated at my job, not being a good Christian husband and not being able to start a family with my wife and allowing her to pursue her dream of being a stay at home mom, were hitting me all at once, like a two ton rock barreling down on me. At this point in my life I really didn't care if my life ended because in this way, I thought I would be giving my wife a better future. She could remarry and find someone to give her just a "normal" life. Of course she never wanted this and never dreamed of being with anyone else but me, she just wanted things to change for us.
Hopelessness and Disappointment
In 1999, my life was at the very lowest point in my life and in drastic need of repair. I had been battling severe feelings of hopelessness, everything in my life was turned upside-down and getting worse, from my point of view. For those that know me, this probably seems so contrary to reality because on the outside I am a very positive and outgoing person. I don't think anyone knew how emotionally and spiritually broken I was.
My previous business which I was a partner of, was and is doing well but at the time was not healthy enough to pay me a salary that would cover the basic needs of my family. The business was growing and sucking up every dollar we had. I was probably earning the equivalent of minimum wage or less, working 60-70 hours a week and earning less than unemployment wages. I was living this way for not a year or two but for over a decade. I was extremely dejected that I could work so hard for over 10 years but not provide for my family.
I was not doing much of anything creative which I have since learned is very unhealthy for an artistic person. Although the business started out as a creative venture for myself, I was filling my day with all the routine day to day stuff it takes to run a business, tasks that I could do but did not bring out the best in me. I felt burdened by the business because of the heavy investment we had put into it and if I left, I felt like I would be betraying my partners because of the debt we were aggressively paying back. I think my partners understood my unhappiness but did not know exactly how to help me. Our business roles where kinda set in stone for the business to run efficiently and there was no change that probably could have helped me. The feelings of being trapped started to take over my life.